The American philosopher, Ken Wilbur, changed my understanding of the way that we relate to others where there are very different perspectives. Family therapy training and the Non-Violent Communication movement of Marshall Rosenberg refined my understanding of ways of speaking that promote understanding. Some ways open up understanding, some shut it down. Let’s see if I can articulate this in a way that might be helpful to the diverse group of people gathered here at the discussion boards of PP. Some basic principles: <!–[if gte mso 10]>
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1. Each person sees the world from a specific perspective. The way that the world appears depends on where you are standing.
We did an exercise in a class where several groups of students were asked to imagine that they each lived on different planets and describe a newly discovered object found floating in space between the planets. (The object was a coffee table in the classroom which served as a model.) The person “above” the table described it as a brown square. The person “below” it, a black square with 4 metallic dots. To “the side,” a brown line on top of a black line with 4 long metallic projections. The person “above and off one corner obliquely,” a brown diamond with 3 silver tails. What you see depends on where you are standing. (What data points are attended to and the theory used to organize the data plays a role too.)
2. Intelligent, high-integrity, informed and sensitive people can have very different perspectives. And, the presence of different perspectives should not be interpreted as implying that one of the people has a cognitive or psychiatric defect.
3. Each of us feels that our perspective is “True.” After all, this is what it means to have a perspective—from where we stand, this is what seems true.
4. We identify with our perspective. Ken Wilbur explains this as “the ego” (my sense of who I am) is like a bird’s nest anchored in the branches of a tree where the branches are the individual’s belief structure. When someone comes at a foundational belief structure with a chain saw and a stick of dynamite, the individual experiences his psychological survival as being threatened and will fight to preserve that belief.
5. The main way to shift another’s perspective is to invite them to come stand where you are standing, perhaps out of curiosity, or maybe “as an experiment,” and try seeing it from your viewpoint. This is a process that is most effectively accomplished without emotional pressure. It is voluntarily. Simply offer an invitation. Mutual respect facilitates this. When I trust your intelligence, integrity and good will, I am more willing to test out your viewpoint. They may not come over immediately, but a friendly invitation and a few seeds might be dropped that months later may flower.
6. And last, though each perspective has validity, some cognitive models are more accurate than others. We actually all know this and this is the reason that we talk with each other (and subscribe to PP). A cognitive model that is robust enough to include multiple perspectives and is rich and deep becomes more accurate. So, we meet and talk in order to learn what other see and know.
Things that facilitate productive sharing:
1. Avoid negative valuations of people and perspectives that are different from our own. Of course their viewpoint “doesn’t seem right.” But the author of that perspective is not crazy, foolish, deluded, delusional, ignorant, blind or stupid. Saying or implying these negative judgments shuts down sharing and exploration. Some acknowledgement of the sanity or worthwhileness of the other can diffuse this natural tendency to devalue a differing viewpoint.
2. Share one’s own perspective as a perspective not as “The Truth.”
-“That is not how it seems to me. My understanding is …..”
-“The way I view this is….”
-“I am more impressed with this other set of data and the theories of Professor Smith…..”
3. Let other people be in very, very different places.
I got a powerful lesson from an elderly aunt who cut me off on facebook because she didn’t want to hear anymore of my “negative” views about the world. My feelings were hurt, but we later talked about it. She is in her late 70’s with diabetes, hypertension cardiac arrhythmias and anticipates that her life is nearly over. She chooses to “focus on love” and only read about things that “bring her peace.” She is getting ready to die. I came to appreciate that this makes sense for her. I now post political and economic content on fb with a custom filter that doesn’t include her. She feels respected, and so do I. We have agreed to view things very differently.
I hope that these ideas may help actual sharing of perspective and information in a form that is easier to let in. This site is full of VERY bright, knowledgeable and diverse people and I appreciate what I am learning here.
I’d love to hear other ideas on this subject.